Flaws with shemirat negia

Back in my good old not religious days, I absolutely touched and was touched by men. That's not to imply I would mess around with any old guy just for the heck of it - this was in the context of (at the time) an emotionally close, intimate relationship. Those relationships are over now, but I'm glad I had them as they were for so many reasons. Some of the most important lessons concern what I learned about myself, what I learned about dating, what I learned about friendship, and what I learned about emotional vulnerability and connection. And, some of the most important lessons I learned were lessons about how touch and emotion and friendship can interact. While none of these relationships turned into marriage, all for a variety of good reasons, I'm lucky to say that I have experienced just how wonderful all of those things can be when they interact in just the right way. Touch isn't something ancillary to an intimate relationship, it is part of the relationship.

An important aspect of dating, even when dating for marriage, is a learning process. You learn what you need in a partner, want in a partner, and refuse to tolerate in a partner. You learn how to be a partner, how to be empathetic (in a way that simple friendship doesn't include), what you need to give, what you can try to give, and what you can't give. You learn to forgive. In addition to these components, if you touch each other, you learn how to touch. You learn what is affectionate, what is passionate; what is appropriate, what is not.

(For another post, perhaps: my sense is that shidduch dating tends to inhibit a lot of this learning process, particularly on the emotional side. By having a gigantic questionnaire / screening process / chaperones, it makes it difficult for the potential couple to really see each other and have their quirks bump up against each other.)

Shemirat negia cuts off a whole avenue of learning in dating, and it means that by definition, a couple has built a substantively incomplete relationship prior to getting married. Some people (like yours truly) are very protective of personal space. Beyond family and socially mandated touching (like shaking hands at a job interview) the idea of touching someone, anyone, for any reason is a whole hurdle for me to get over. It's hard, very hard, for me to imagine sex with someone as a pleasant act, at least and especially the first time. As part of partnership, I want to have a good sex life with my husband, if and when I marry. Unfortunately, one result of keeping negia is that a couple can't work on this aspect of the relationship until marriage.

I'm not trying to pass judgement on whether shemirat negia is or is not halakha. Even the most lenient of readings seems to forbid sexual contact between unmarried partners. Still, it seems that it has a number of detrimental side effects.

An alternative to tzniut

As it currently exists, tzniut for women is a pretty clearly defined code of dress. There are lots of explanations about there about why it makes sense - an objective standard, inner beauty, etc. But, does it really work?

I would say no.

As I noted in the last post, I feel almost inevitably awkward interacting with chareidi men. I feel that any conversation is instantaneously sexualized by my obviously frum attire. I have a little dialogue going on in my head "Is he thinking I'm Jewish, or just happen to be dressed like this? Is he thinking I'm not covered enough? Is he thinking I covered improperly?" etc. etc. One might say this is all in my head, but based on my interactions with chareidi men when my own state of dress has varied (from more chareidi looking to more leftish MO looking) it's not. Arguably, the point of tzniut is to draw attention away from a woman's sexuality. Unfortunately, in many situations, it has exactly the opposite effect. One solution might be a new "objective standard," one based on effect rather than attire.

Now, I hear people saying that this is the opposite of an objective standard. I would argue that it is merely a different objective. An objective not to be noticed as a sexual object. There are a couple components to this:

(1) What is needs / needs not be covered: I do think that some objective standards about what should and should not be covered are in order. I find it shocking, always, in the summer when I see women who look like they are going to fall out of their blouses. So please, cover up your private areas plus safe margins (I think knees and elbows are good lines, actually) and make sure that when you bend over / stretch / go about daily business that your clothing keeps you covered.

(2) Context: Here is where I think people will shriek and claim that the objective standard is gone. But I repeat: the objective here is to dress in a way that is not overtly sexual. If you're in the middle of a big, physical project, e.g. cleaning out the gutters, loose pants are (arguably) the modest way to go. They won't get caught on anything, and you don't have to worry that someone is lurking underneath the ladder to get a view up your skirt. Don't tell me this isn't a job for a bat yisrael. Someone's got to do it.

People have asked if I would feel less objectified if I dressed like a whore. No, I wouldn't. I would feel less objectified if I weren't lumped into a religious category based on my attire.

Tzniut and Business

Over at Emes Ve-Emunah there is a discussion about a lawsuit against B & H photo, alleging that they discriminated against women in hiring salespeople. Apparently, the argument is that hiring women would have compromised their interpretation of tzniut.

Seriously? If nothing else, this seems like a terrible business decision.

Am I the only woman who feels extremely awkward and sexualized interacting with a chareidi man? I do. No matter how conservatively I'm dressed, no matter how demure I am, I always feel sexually exposed. The very act of insisting that I dress "modestly" accentuates rather than conceals my sexuality. It separates and displays my sexuality, rather than letting it recede into the background.

I speak with men all the time - for work / school / day-to-day stuff, etc. In all of the those interactions, I feel viewed as a full person (skirt not withstanding), viewed first and foremost in whatever capacity necessitates the interaction - I am a teacher, colleague, customer, etc. Sure, to some extent or another the person I'm interacting with knows that I am more than simply my role at the moment, but it's not important to the situation, so there is no focus on it.

At a certain point, covering my body increases attention to my sexuality, rather than on my whole self.